What Love Language Do You Speak?

God, I am already rolling my own eyes.  But here we go…

In order to continue this post, I must come clean.  I am a romantic.  I was the girl who at 10 years old stuffed pillows under my door to block out the light as I stayed up all night to finish Jane Eyre.  (Badass, right?)  I watch the Hallmark Channel- occasionally (why am I ashamed to admit that?), and I was in my glory during the Meg Ryan rom-com era.  The list can go on and on.  But just because I am a romantic, does not mean that I am a hopeless romantic.  

Quite the contrary, I am a romantic realist.  And because I am a realist, I know that a love that “awakens the soul” takes effort. Not Herculean effort, but effort nonetheless.  You just don’t meet Tom Hanks/Ryan Gosling/Michael B. Jordan/Kristen Stewart (insert your dreamboat name here) and your relationship is set-up for life.  The reality is that every relationship is taxed.  And speaking the same language is imperative to creating a stable footing in the foundation of your relationship.   

Let me rewind a bit.  Remember that whole Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus movement?  Well, it wasn’t exactly a movement, but it was a nice soundbite (and book) to sum up the dischord that sometimes arises between lovers.  The disconnect that can form over time, once the frenzy of ardor dies down.   Men are from Mars became a cliché whenever one partner would lament about the status of their romantic realm.  

It is a disservice to pin down the reality of love and banish lovers to different planets because the truth is deeper than that, and even simpler.  When I was newly married, a friend lent me a book that really opened my eyes to a basic tenant I had not given much thought to, but that I found was an important cornerstone in any relationship.  There are five basic languages of love.  Not everyone speaks the same love language.  Just like a spoken language, if you and your partner do not speak the same love language, your relationship will require a bit of extra effort to be sustained.   

This is not a mind-blowing revelation, and really doesn’t doom your relationship if this is something that you haven’t worked on or thought about.  Nevertheless, now that I said it and you read it, you cannot unsee it, and the simplicity of the revelation will help to strengthen any love foundation. 

The foundation of any solid relationship is founded on mutual love, respect and admiration.  This foundation is what will support you through the tempests and earthquakes of life.  This love, respect and admiration, moreover, are based on proper communication between the partners.  But how can you effectively communicate with your partner if you do not speak the same language?  

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage and family expert, humans express and experience love in five different languages: 

• Acts of Service, 
• Words of Affirmation, 
• Quality Time, 
• Receiving Gifts, and 
• Physical Touch

Dr. Chapman wrote his first book, The Five Love Languages in 1992.  But his simple message stands the test of time.  Dr. Chapman theorizes that people tend to give love in the way that they prefer to receive love.  This is common sense.  But I never thought about it before I read the book, and took the multiple choice questionnaire at the end of the book.  Dr. Chapman further postulates that to have better communication, your partner needs to demonstrate caring in the love language that you hear and feel, and visa versa. 

I have recommended The Five Love Languages to many people over the years.  It isn’t only eye opening to learn about how your partner hears and feels love, but it is even more eye opening to understand how you hear and feel love.  It is empowering.  It sounds hokey, and simple, but it is true.  

Early on in my marriage, my husband and I were watching a football game.  Actually, he was watching it, and I was reading.  Usually, I am able to block out the outside world and get lost in a book. That Sunday, the Giants were having a particularly spectacular game and I just couldn’t block them out.  I decided to relocate to another room.  Five minutes passed, and my husband came in and turned on the t.v. to watch the game.  I looked up from my book in disbelief.  He didn’t see anything wrong with what he did.  I later came to learn that my husband’s number one love languages is Quality Time.  Guess what is low on my list?  That’s right, QT.  The only thing we have in common is that Gift Giving is the last for both of us in terms of how we express and experience love.  

I now make a concerted effort to spend time with my husband, and do not go off to do my own thing.  It isn’t that I sacrifice for him, but I make an effort to tell him how much I love him in a language he hears.  I have to work harder on spending time with my husband for him to feel my love.  Quality Time is not how I would ordinarily have shown him love because this is not how I hear love.  I do things for him all of the time and tell him how much I love him, but that is how I hear love: my languages are Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation.  This is a concept that I never would have given a thought to.  But now that I know, I make an effort, as does my husband.  And as a result, I give love and feel love in a language we both understand.  And while our marriage and love story aren’t perfect, we speak the same language which fans “the flames of the fire in our hearts” and brings peace to our minds that we have a strong footing in love.

P.S. Since 1992, Dr. Chapman has created a Love Language universe and has written several books related to this concept: The Five Love Languages of Children, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers and The Five Love Languages for Singles. Dr. Chapman has also co-authored two additional books applying the concept of the 5 Love Languages:  The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace with Dr. Paul White, and The Five Love Languages Military Edition with Jocelyn Green.